I am....living day by day

I am a mother of a little boy with ADD. I am a mother whose child may have some form of Autism. I am a mother who tries very hard to understand the things my child has to go through daily. I am a mother. In fact I have 2 wonderful little boys. I try daily to remember that they are little, and that it is my job to teach them. I fail at this some days. I get frustrated and angry alot. I try to remember the days that I was begging God to bless me with children, and then I feel guilty for failing them and Him. I look at my boys, and I think about how special both of them really are.

Matthew- He is my ADD child. He can be frustrating, hard, whiny, loving, affectionate, and a blessing all at one time. We are going thru a process right now of havinging him evaluated for Asperger's syndrome, Asperger's Syndrome WebMD which is a highly functioning form of Autism. I have thought for a while now that there was something going on with him, but until he started Kindergarten did I really notice it. It was brought to my attention by his wonderful teacher, who I must say has the patience of a saint. Matthew has a hard time socially and eductaionally, but when Matthew gets what is going on he never forgets it. I have been thinking about of looking into starting a support group for Mother's dealing with the same issues I am. On top of everything I have guilt that I am neglecting my other son becasue of everything we are dealing with with Matthew.

Michael- He is my angel. My is all boy. He loves to play, get dirty, wrestle, run, jump, hit....let's just say he is hard to keep up with sometime. This little boy could brighten up the darkest day for anyone. He is forgiving and loving and so very very smart. He will suprise me sometime and start telling me about things out of no where. I will ask him where he learned that and he will tell me school, tv, brother etc., and don't get me started about motorcycles, he will have you a half a million question about how they work. I walked in on him one evening taking his schwin tricycle apart trying to figure out how it works, and with a little help from mommy we got it put back together again too.

I do not have what you call a lot of Mommy friends, and I wish I did. I think I could handle things better if I had someone I could call and say, " hey they are driving me nuts today do you have any suggestions on what to do" I wish I had more mommy friends to go to the park with so my kids could have other kids to interact with. There are just some days I wish I had someone to talk to who would just understand.

On top of having two of the most wonderful boys int the world, I have a husband who is bipolar, manic, and has sever anxiety, so on top of everything else I walk on eggshells all day long. Don't get me wrong he has his good days but between him and the kids there are some days I just want to runaway. I know that makes me sound bad, but just walk a day in my shoes, and you too would be wondering how I do it. I have had people ask me, "why don't you just leave him, get out of the situation?" I wish it were that easy, I can give you a few reasons or excuses as some people call it. 1. Is because I didn't give my first marriage the time it deserved and I wasn't going to make the same mistake twice. 2. Is because I feel for my boys I need to stick it out, because they love their daddy so much. and finally 3. I don't want to be alone, I don't think I could do it alone, and I just don't want to have to go through the rejection of dating again especially now that I weigh over 300 lbs and I feel disgustion to myself. I know I can change my looks, but I am what many refer to as a stress eater, and beleive me my life right now is one big ball of stress. I believe in Karma or as my mom says what goes around comes around and deep down i think Karma is biting me in the rear because I didn't give my first marriage a chance.

All I really want out of life is for my kids to be happy, healthy, successful, loved, and wanted. All I want for my husband is to find Peace within himself, and All I want for me is to be truly loved, wanted, desired, and needed.