Being a stay at home mommy...

Ok so since the last time  I posted lots of things have changed. I recently got laid off from my job, which in my opinion was probably a blessing from God considering I was starting to break out in stress hives, but I never realized what I was missing with my kids until I started staying home with them. Matthew is doing so much better in school this year and tomorrow is going to start playing upward basketball. Michael is just to smart and loves to help out mommy around the house. Also it is kinda funny to say but I think my marriage has improved just a little bit since I have been at home. The house is staying cleaner, and laundry is getting done more frequently, and I feel so much better.
Anyways being a stay at home mommy has also got me hooked on Pintrest and I have become come more crafty (who knew I had it is me) I am also thinking about writing a book. I have this idea bouncing around in my head and it won't go away, so I am trying to figure out when i have time what is actually going to happen and if it is worth writing or not. I haven't really mentioned it to anyone just in case i chicken out on writing it.

Soul Mates

This week on Facebook I was reading a post by a friend who mention she has finally found her Soul Mate, the one person God Intendend for her to be with for the rest of her life. I was truly happy to hear this, because she is one of those few people you meet in a lifetime that even if she hasn't seen you in years would have your back if you really needed her. Anyways getting back to my point. I have been married for a while, but i do not believe the man I am with is my Soul Mate. I believe deep down in the pit of my stomach that I met, dated, married, and divorced my Soul Mate when I was to young to appreciate him.See when we are young we are much more selfish and imature than we realize (yes mom I know you tried to tell me this), but we rush into things that we think we know everything about. Personally, I didn't know how to think for myself. I listened to what everyone else thought I should do that do what was really in my heart. Hinesight being what it is and all. I think if I knew then what I know now about life, love, marriage, and yes Soul Mates I would have given my choices and decisions alot more thought. I know now that that bridge has been burned, and that everyone in question has moved on,but you never know There are 80 year old couples who found there way back to their Soul Mates.....As for my friend I am glad she has finally met someone who loves her and her son because she deserves it.

One more thing before I go. I may not be with my Soul Mate, but the man I am with gave me two of the most wonderful gifts one person can give to another, and that is my precious boys. God brings people into and out of our lives when he thinks it is best, so who knows what the future holds. I my Soul Mate ever reads this, I hope that he knows the package has went from one to three, and I know that the man who would truly love me for me would love my boys just as much.

Someone Like You"

I heard that you're settled down
That you found a girl and you're married now.
I heard that your dreams came true.
Guess she gave you things I didn't give to you.

Old friend, why are you so shy?
Ain't like you to hold back or hide from the light.

I hate to turn up out of the blue uninvited
But I couldn't stay away, I couldn't fight it.
I had hoped you'd see my face and that you'd be reminded
That for me it isn't over.

Never mind, I'll find someone like you
I wish nothing but the best for you too
Don't forget me, I beg
I remember you said,
"Sometimes it lasts in love but sometimes it hurts instead,
Sometimes it lasts in love but sometimes it hurts instead, "
Yeah
You know how the time flies
Only yesterday was the time of our lives
We were born and raised
In a summer haze
Bound by the surprise of our glory days

I hate to turn up out of the blue uninvited
But I couldn't stay away, I couldn't fight it.
I'd hoped you'd see my face and that you'd be reminded
That for me it isn't over.

Never mind, I'll find someone like you
I wish nothing but the best for you too
Don't forget me, I beg
I remember you said,
"Sometimes it lasts in love but sometimes it hurts instead."
Yeah
Nothing compares
No worries or cares
Regrets and mistakes
They are memories made.
Who would have known how bittersweet this would taste?

Never mind, I'll find someone like you
I wish nothing but the best for you
Don't forget me, I beg
I remember you said,
"Sometimes it lasts in love but sometimes it hurts instead."
Never mind, I'll find someone like you
I wish nothing but the best for you too
Don't forget me, I beg
I remember you said,
"Sometimes it lasts in love but sometimes it hurts instead,
Sometimes it lasts in love but sometimes it hurts instead."
Yeah

Just missing someone

This video really speaks to me. It says alot of what I wish I could say. Those that know me know my history and some of the regrets I have. I know the person I am thinking about when I listen to this is not thinking about me. I wish he was. Just missing someone.

I am....living day by day

I am a mother of a little boy with ADD. I am a mother whose child may have some form of Autism. I am a mother who tries very hard to understand the things my child has to go through daily. I am a mother. In fact I have 2 wonderful little boys. I try daily to remember that they are little, and that it is my job to teach them. I fail at this some days. I get frustrated and angry alot. I try to remember the days that I was begging God to bless me with children, and then I feel guilty for failing them and Him. I look at my boys, and I think about how special both of them really are.

Matthew- He is my ADD child. He can be frustrating, hard, whiny, loving, affectionate, and a blessing all at one time. We are going thru a process right now of havinging him evaluated for Asperger's syndrome, Asperger's Syndrome WebMD which is a highly functioning form of Autism. I have thought for a while now that there was something going on with him, but until he started Kindergarten did I really notice it. It was brought to my attention by his wonderful teacher, who I must say has the patience of a saint. Matthew has a hard time socially and eductaionally, but when Matthew gets what is going on he never forgets it. I have been thinking about of looking into starting a support group for Mother's dealing with the same issues I am. On top of everything I have guilt that I am neglecting my other son becasue of everything we are dealing with with Matthew.

Michael- He is my angel. My is all boy. He loves to play, get dirty, wrestle, run, jump, hit....let's just say he is hard to keep up with sometime. This little boy could brighten up the darkest day for anyone. He is forgiving and loving and so very very smart. He will suprise me sometime and start telling me about things out of no where. I will ask him where he learned that and he will tell me school, tv, brother etc., and don't get me started about motorcycles, he will have you a half a million question about how they work. I walked in on him one evening taking his schwin tricycle apart trying to figure out how it works, and with a little help from mommy we got it put back together again too.

I do not have what you call a lot of Mommy friends, and I wish I did. I think I could handle things better if I had someone I could call and say, " hey they are driving me nuts today do you have any suggestions on what to do" I wish I had more mommy friends to go to the park with so my kids could have other kids to interact with. There are just some days I wish I had someone to talk to who would just understand.

On top of having two of the most wonderful boys int the world, I have a husband who is bipolar, manic, and has sever anxiety, so on top of everything else I walk on eggshells all day long. Don't get me wrong he has his good days but between him and the kids there are some days I just want to runaway. I know that makes me sound bad, but just walk a day in my shoes, and you too would be wondering how I do it. I have had people ask me, "why don't you just leave him, get out of the situation?" I wish it were that easy, I can give you a few reasons or excuses as some people call it. 1. Is because I didn't give my first marriage the time it deserved and I wasn't going to make the same mistake twice. 2. Is because I feel for my boys I need to stick it out, because they love their daddy so much. and finally 3. I don't want to be alone, I don't think I could do it alone, and I just don't want to have to go through the rejection of dating again especially now that I weigh over 300 lbs and I feel disgustion to myself. I know I can change my looks, but I am what many refer to as a stress eater, and beleive me my life right now is one big ball of stress. I believe in Karma or as my mom says what goes around comes around and deep down i think Karma is biting me in the rear because I didn't give my first marriage a chance.

All I really want out of life is for my kids to be happy, healthy, successful, loved, and wanted. All I want for my husband is to find Peace within himself, and All I want for me is to be truly loved, wanted, desired, and needed.

Accept or decline

The other day on Facebook I had a friend request. I opened it up to see my former sister-in-law. Funny thing was that it took me a few minutes to decide wheather or not to accept this friend request. See she and I had been friends in High School and when her brother and I  broke up, well we drifted apart. A few years down the road, I get this wonderful phone call from my mother at work saying there was someone there who wanted to speak to me, and low and behold it was my ex-boyfriend. Well to say I as excited was an understatement, I was beyond thrilled. Well he was in the Army and we had this whrilwind romance and decided to get married (to quickly), well of course this meant that I was going to get back the girls I considered sisters. Things were good, but hard and I being young and stupid made some mistakes that I could never take back and the marriage didn't last long. I let people and things influence me instead of listening to myself and what I really wanted. You know that old say hindsight and all. Well of course I lost touch with those that I loved again. Getting back to the orginal story, so I sat there for a few miuntes wondering why she was friend requesting me now. I had been keeping in contact with the youngest sister, but I thought that the older sister had a lot of anger with me for asking her brother for a divorce. So, I finally clicked accept thinking one of two things... 1 she had some stuff she wanted to ream me about and finally found a way to do so or 2. She missed me like I missed her and wanted to rekindle that friendship. Well lucky for me it was option 2 and for that I am grateful because I feel like I have found something that has been missing from my life for a long time, and speaking with her and seeing pictures of her beautiful family made me glad I accepted that friend request.

My question is this. Is it taboo to still remain friends with your inlaws? I kinda wonder sometimes what my ex-husband would think about it. Life is funny. If I could give someone some advice I wish I had had, it would be this

1) Don't listen to what other people think you should do or who you should be with it's your life.

2) Before you make a rash decision based on emotion think twice and then think again because the outcome may not be what you truly want.

and

3) When you love someone and I mean truly love them, don't doubt them or yourself. Don't second guess that decision or you will do something you may regret. Don't underestmate that persons love for you just because he/she doesn't tell you every hour of everyday. Trust in that person and know they love you no matter what, and when it gets hard don't just run away (like I did) cling to the fact that you both can make it though because of your love.

I have to say in closing when I got married for the first time I married exactly who I had wanted to, unfourtunatly there were two things that doomed us from the start. My inability to think for myself and My inability to realize he loved me even though he never really said it. I now am remarried and have been for a while now. I have gotten two of the most wonderful kids out of my marriage, I have a man who comes home everynight, and that is all I can say, I do know people say don't regreat the choices you make. I get that, but sometimes you know deep down that you made a wrong choice and there is nothing you can do to change it, people move on. I know that MY ex is remarried has two beautiful children and probably never even thinks about me, and all I can say is this...All I ever wanted was for him to find happiness and love, and if he has then that makes me happy.

Random thoughts and feelings

Well let's see it has been a while since I have blogged, The boys are now 4 and 2 and the terrible 2's with Michael are nothing like they were with Matthew. I am trying my hand at writing Fanficton I love to read it so I thought I would try my hand at writing it. IT is just taking me a little while because I don't have a lot of time so I write a paragraph here and there when I have time. Bobby has had Back surgery this year and I am still working towards having my gastric bypass, My Granddaddy has been going down hill so I worry about him alot. My Daddy is still in remission from his Cancer thank God. I miss some of my old friends that I don't get to talk to anymore. I wish my husband like to go out and socialize but he doesn't. I wish I could find a group of women to go out with, and do things with because I am really lonelyu. MY husband is great it is just he is the quiet kind and I just would like someone to talk to. Oh well I am going to wrap this up for now.